Man Convicted of Possession, Use, and Destruction of a Destructive and Irreplaceable Artifact

Historians will be hard-pressed to find cigarettes now:

one was stolen and smoked by a man who recently

turned himself in, leaving only three left in the world.

The 2nd Millenium N. America Museum in Raleigh, N. C.

was broken into on last Wedensday, the 6th of June. The

power for the security systems was diverted for a

strengthening of the perimiter at D.C., allowing the

criminal to break in with only a set of stilts and a

hammer. Earlier plans for a "spiked" radius for rare

artifacts are being reconsidered.

The criminal, a 53 year-old Swede named Marolgo,had

apparently "been really desperate for a smoke." As part

of a plea bargin, charges of breaking, entering, and grand

larceny were dropped, and Marolgo is currently serving

a 25-year combined sentence with a chance for parole in

15 years.

A request for a new cigarette to be manufactured was

sent by the head caretaker at the Museum. The response:

"We cannot, in good conscience, accept this request. Not

only would it divert cropland from food or timber, but

we do not want to encourage breaking and entering, or

smoking."

For those of you too young to remember cigarettes,

people used to mix a flammable plant with a group of

toxic chemicals. The result, when condensed,

burned, and the smoke inhaled, was both pleasurable and

very addicting. Tobacco plants haven't been grown since

the Great Fall of Texas, but chilling rumors of a new

natural equivalent have started to run around.

--Xaiver Kubler, NMD news

Note: We make every effort to update this column every

Friday. We apologize that this edition was late due to

inclement weather.