Friday, May 25, 2007

Moscow Cracks Under Pressure, Dismantles Nukes--
"No Nukes Left" Celebrations Occur Across World
After the Great Retreat, almost every country
dismantled all their nuclear weapons, along with other
weapons of mass destruction. The idea of mass killing
in the new environment was simply too risky for the
human race. However, Moscow, claiming that "the
firepower was necessary, despite the circumstances.",
only dismantled part of their nuclear arsenal.
Ever since then, the EU, led by France and Germany,
have been negotiating nonstop for complete
disarmament. "Every [nuclear] warhead destroyed is a
sigh of relief from both all of humanity and the New
Earth.", said German representitive Kumata Port in
2042.
Recently, though, they have been resorting to more
dramatic measures, such as the "accidental" collapse
of the Russian Tunnel, which connects Finland,
St. Petersburg, and Moscow. The recent crack in the
outer dome, suffocating a year's worth of domesticated
farm animals, though, was the final humiliation.
Though all indications--as well as both France and the
EU--implicate radical terrorists, the graffiti found at
the scene indicates that the motive was the nuclear
issue.
Thus, the Russian president Murant Ruboni bowed to
the wishes of the international community, and his
home country, and signed the order for complete
disarmament. For the past five days, celebrations
have been seen all over, from Honolulu to Melbourne.
Here, in the Coloradian Dome, parties have been
enthusiastic, though permeated by rumors, which seem
to crop up every year or so, of black market weapons.
--Arctica Chemit, NMD News

Friday, May 18, 2007

Air Freshners Too Fresh?
Pennsylvanian Woman Denies Accusations of Frivolity
A subrural Pennsylivanian woman won a lawsuit
yesterday charging that the ingredients in
Reminisce!(tm) Air Qualifiers are "too fresh" and gave
her an allergic reaction.
"I know it sounds stupid, but it's not. When I powered
up the machine, I was hacking and wheezing inside
the dome. And this doesn't happen near city trees."
said Bolvia in her opening statement.
"Our qualifiers do not leak. As for some 'mystery
ingredient', I know we keep trade secrets, but we
changed the formula and tested it again. Now, the
plaintiff does not 'hack and wheeze'." said one
spokesman for the local brand of Reminisce!.
It has been rumored that Judge Harklett is satisfied
with the test results and will not grant punitive
damages, but this website was unable to confirm or
deny this rumor.
As for the allergen, doctors close to the case suspect
pollen. Pollen is a reproductive agent of many trees,
and thus smells like a fresh tree. However, it is also an
allergen, which is why most city trees have been
altered to use sap transfer to reproduce. And yes,
most wild trees do use pollen.
--Xarfax Socerico, NMD news

Friday, May 11, 2007

Mathematician Proves Time Travel Impossible--"Keep Hope Alive", says Tinkerer's Guild
A mathematician near the Chicago Radius
went public with his newest discovery--a proof
against time travel. Dr. Lumvatch, who you
might remember from his life-enhancing work
on air quality, announced his work two days
ago--and has been taking criticism ever since.
Dr. Lumvatch refused to comment.
Sina Korv, the leader of Restoring Critical
Conditions--or, as we know it, the RCClub, had
this to say: "Time travel was the only realistic
hope left for eliminating the domes. Now its
gone. What do we do now?"
Still, there is hope--at least according to the
Tinkerer's Guild: "Every mechanist worth his
weight in water knows thorough steps must be
taken to test every creation before it goes on
the market. Mistakes are easy to make, and one
could be found in Dr. Lumvatch's proof." says
Mr. Voyo, the spokesman for the Tinkerer's
Guild.
MiG, or the Mathematicians in Governmnet
lobby, agrees. "In my opinion, Lumvatch made a
mistake, announcing [his proof] before peer
review. There's so much buzz we might have to
lock down the ports. It will take months to check
his proof, especially if the rumors that he used
the Wrigley 3 are true." said an anonymus
representitive of MiG.
The Wrigley 3 is a set of state-of-the-art
multiframes that is normally used for sports
statistics, odds, predictions, and the like. Usually
they're off-limits to the public, but famous
mathematicians and scientists, who use the
processing power for maintenance of the tunnels
and domes, are allowed access.
--Xaiver Kubler, NMD news

Friday, May 4, 2007

"Magician" Shoots Year-Old Hatchling with Level 3 Charge:
Dragon Recuperating in Magical Hut
This is a blow to the contreversial new sport
of dragon hunting--a young hunter is
currently being charged with attacking a
year-old dragon hatchling--protected in the
Uncharted Species Act--and two counts of
using a high powered spell without proof of
training. If found guilty, the minimum fine
is 10 cords of wood; the maximum is 30
chords.
"Just because Red Dragons are in season
doesen't mean hunters can shoot to kill.
Every licensed [hunter] knows that's
poaching." said Burya, the local chair for the
Offensive Magic Committee. "We all know
about the mating problems of dragons. In
fact, if dragons didn't have anti-magical
properties in their hides, we would prohibit
dragon battling completly." The difficulties
chairwoman Burya refers to are the fact
that dragons can only be hatched if
incubated in uncharted territory, and there's
very little last. Leading scientists of both
species are working together to mitigate this
effect.
When asked to comment, the hunter, who
requested anonymity for fear of being heckled,
said, "I thought that spell was apprentice level.""
This is suspect due to the title of the
book--LEVEL 3 SPELLS.
"This fool was cluless, and the Leauge of
Dragon Hunters intends to distance itself
from him." said official spokesman Xecoro
in an official statement for the LoDH. "We
know that dragons are a sentit species,
and we are not looking to kill. We are
simply looking for a challenging combat
opponent." How this affects the LoDH
remains to be seen.
Unfortunatley, due to the logistics involved
in locating and tracking down two different
dragons for interview, we are unable to get
the parental perspective. This website will,
however, consult the injured the hatchling
as soon as its vocal cords recover and
develop. In accordance with Elder Dragon
Tradition, it has not yet been named.
--Verdish Rhode, NMD news